Gracepointe Church (Dover, OH)
Gracepointe Church (Dover, OH)
Listening with Love | Effective Communication in Marriage | Mike Troyer
Can true leadership in marriage mean putting your partner's needs above your own? Discover the transformative power of serving and uplifting your spouse as we explore the biblical teachings of Ephesians 5, starting from verse 21. We dive into practical insights on how husbands can love their wives through acts of service, empathetic listening, and unwavering loyalty. Drawing from personal experiences, we share valuable tips on prioritizing your spouse amidst life's demands and distractions, underscoring that a strong marital bond is built on mutual respect and support.
Effective communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship. In this episode, we unpack the art of empathetic listening, highlighting its profound impact on intimacy and understanding within marriage. We discuss the challenges of maintaining honesty and transparency, offering strategies for those who struggle with directness and those who need to practice more grace. Our conversation also covers the importance of loyalty and moral purity, emphasizing the role of community support in upholding trust. Lastly, we reflect on surrendering control to God, finding peace in His guidance, and loving our spouses selflessly, just as Christ loves the church. Join us for a heartfelt discussion on how divine wisdom can transform your marriage.
Special to have you, jared and Trenda, to support me, and also Junior and Esther. Thanks for showing your support For scripture this morning. Turn your Bibles to Ephesians 5. Starting at verse 21, and, yes, I will be talking about marriage, ephesians 5, starting at 21. And he is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands love your wives. Just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for her that he might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water, by the word, that he might present her to himself a glorious church Not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she would be holy and without blemish, so husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself, for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourisheth and cherisheth it, just as the Lord does the church, for we are members of his body, of his flesh and of his bones. For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This is a great mystery. I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless, let each one of you in particular. So love his own wife as himself and let the wife see that she respect her husband.
Speaker 1:So why talk about marriage? I am probably the least qualified in here because I am. I didn't do the math, but I've only been married to Rosie for a year and eight months, and so why talk about it? Probably because as a husband and stepfather, I've noticed some things that I do that I'm not proud of, and I want to talk about those and maybe give some tips of what I'm learning. I want to gear it towards us guys mostly you women can definitely listen in. I want to touch on mostly how the husband is to love his wife and zero in on that and what that looks in an everyday setting, and I've got four things I want to touch on this morning. Those things are serving, listening, being honest and loyal In verse 25, I'm not going to talk a lot about the first part from 21 to 24.
Speaker 1:It talks a lot to you wives to submit to the husband and I'm not going to elaborate a lot on that. Me and Rosie had been discussing it at home and she just brought up the thought of, I think, or she thought, paul focused on the things that maybe each person struggles with, and so you wives might struggle with submitting to the husband and us husbands forget or get sidetracked of loving our wives. Let's start at 25. Paul talks to us men that we should love our men as Christ did the church and he gave himself. And then at verse 28, he talks about us loving our wives as we love our own bodies, and that's a pretty high standard if you ever realized Like he's setting the bar super high. And I think Paul knew why to do that. He knew that we get easily distracted with all the other things in life and he wanted to get our attention in drawing us a picture that's really good for us to remember, really good for us to remember. We often get fixated on work or trying to make big piles of money or our hobbies is usually kind of the focus that we get distracted on, and oftentimes it's not our intent to leave or put our wives and children make them second best, but we often do, just subconsciously. It's not our intent, I believe. And so the first subject of serving and how that is showing love to our wives. In 25, he talks about Christ giving himself, and that verse is just steeped or it drips in serving.
Speaker 1:And I had to ask the question to myself how do I respond if I come home from work and I had a very hard day? All day I was around people and I was trying to help them solve their problems that they had, and all I want is a little space of quietness, and just for a little bit. But I have to ask myself the question what did my wife go through that day and can I ask God to give me the strength to keep going on? I can maybe later on have my quiet time. I can maybe later on have my quiet time, but what about listening to what Rosie had going on in the day and talking to our children?
Speaker 1:First, serving your wife is showing her love. I believe it's showing her that I care for her and she means a lot to me. I just want to ask us guys, as husbands, to consider this that we are called to lead at home and leading. A lot of what leading looks like is serving and oftentimes we get this picture of we can sit up here and everybody's down here. That's not really what leading is. It's flipping around and it's actually being underneath the people that we associate with. It's not putting us higher than other people, but it's actually coming underneath them and serving and supporting and lifting them up.
Speaker 1:What does in a practical way? What does serving look like? It's going to look different for each person, but in my terms, your terms might be different. But in my terms, it's coming home and helping my wife with everyday tasks. It's washing the dishes, even if you hate it. It's washing the dishes, even if you hate it. It's doing laundry. It's helping clean. It's taking care of the children. It's helping each other. I think I can so often get in my mind that I'm called to make money and to bring it home and then my wife can do the rest. And that's not what marriage looks like. We're one and so therefore we get to share the load. Yes, oftentimes we do provide the money, but it doesn't give us the excuse that we can sit back and make her work. Everything at home, everything at home.
Speaker 1:One example I want to give on serving is serving is like either a chair leg or a table leg. So if people see a nice table, they won't be gushing about the table legs, but it's what's supporting it. And oftentimes us, as husbands and leaders, we might feel neglected or might not get the respect we think we should have, but we're called to support. If you take the table leg away, it won't work, but if it's there, it's usually somewhere underneath and it supports and lifts up, and so, in a nutshell, serving is lifting up your wife and children, it's encouraging them, it's supporting them and it's cheering them on them and it's cheering them on and it's helping them to succeed in their dreams and the things they want to do.
Speaker 1:One thing I want to say, though, is be careful on not to out give yourself. My therapist I used to go to often reminded me that you can't out give yourself, and what he meant by that is my personality. Not everybody is the same, but I naturally give a lot, and if I give and give and don't take in or take care of myself, I'll eventually get into this depression that, all of a sudden, I'm wondering what happened, and it's like not that fun to be around me if I'm depressed. And so, therefore, yes, serve the people around you, but also you might have to tell your wife later on hey, I might need to go work out, or I might need to. One Saturday morning, I might need to go to a coffee shop to have some alone time. I think you need to take care of yourself, but I think it can't be in a selfish way.
Speaker 1:Moving on to listening, this one is really painful for me because before I got married I thought I was a good listener and to my shame that all went down the drain, or it's like I'm slowly starting to realize I'm actually really bad at listening. I can listen, but what I'm finding out is I listen to fix, and that does not work well To you people that have more experience in marriage. Fixing your spouse doesn't work, or the situation she might be telling you. And another thing I noticed is I often bring too much work home with me or the style I use at work, and so, for an example, I've worked at Berlin Gardens for 15 years and 10 of those years I've had a leadership position, and so my day-to-day often I'm getting a lot of issues thrown at me and my job is to help make everything go smoothly there at work, and I can very easily get fixated on seeing how fast I can fix a problem and move on and forget that there's a person behind the problem that wants to be heard, and so often I bring that home with me and I'm just listening and telling people how they should do it. It's horrible. I'm ashamed to only start realizing it, but I'm thankful that I see it.
Speaker 1:Another thing that you should be aware, or just observe how you listen to people, is I also try to hurry up people in how I listen, and what I mean by that is just my body language and also the confirmation I give, the uh-huhs that I give when people are talking to me. I give way too many uh-huhs and I fidget a little bit and I try to tell them to quickly get to the end so I can tell them their problem, and so that's another thing that you should be aware of is just be patient and sit in whatever the person is telling you, because if you just try to fix them, you never get to understand where they're coming from. Another thing this is definitely a little bunny trail. So recently I was listening to a podcast and this person was talking about listening and the art to it, and he was just saying that it's scientifically proven that if we are capable of adjusting to the person's emotion that is speaking to us, and what I mean is, if somebody is telling something hard to us, if we're able to show empathy and they get that we're listening some subconscious stuff starts happening and it's really cool on how God made us. First of all, our eyelids start blinking at the same pace that the talker is. Next, the electricity Everybody has electricity going through your body that starts adjusting to the same level that the other person's is, and then your heartbeat rises or falls to the speaker's heartbeat, and it's super cool if you're able to adjust and connect with the person on how God made us to be people of connection. So, anyway, so much on the geeking out there, but I thought it was really good. The questions I had to ask myself is okay. Instead of fixing what else can I do? And the thing I thought of was can I be more curious? Curiosity will get you a lot further ahead, and also in understanding where the person is coming from. And then asking questions is also the other one. Yeah, just remember, listening is another way of showing love to your spouse.
Speaker 1:Honesty Um, this one is a hard one for me because of my personality. Um, to us, people that are good at beating around the bush and not going straight to the point, which is me, um, I'm discovering honesty is really hard To you people that are able to shoot straight and go straight for the juggler vein um, you get annoyed over us people that go around the bush and you just want to hear it straight. And the humorous part is it's often us spouses that are opposite like that and we've got to work with each other. The thing that I just want to throw out is is to us grace people, or as people that struggle to tell the truth, I think it will. I know it will help our marriage if we're able to say the last 10% of how we feel, because it breaks down trust If I, after the fact of our whatever hard discussion that we had, come back to Rosie and say, hey, this is actually how I feel, and in her mind she's like what, in nerve to tell me, it really breaks down the trust. And so another encouragement to you people that shoot straight, and I think it's for both of us Us grace people need to add truth and you truth people need to add grace, and I think we're in good shape, need to add grace and I think we're in good shape.
Speaker 1:The loyalty part I'm not sure if that's the right word. I just put loyalty and what I mean is guys, what are you doing to set yourself up for success in moral purity? This is a big one and you might ask like, yeah, but what does that do? It builds a lot of trust between you and your wife. The one thing I started noticing recently was, just before I was married, I had a lot of. I had this group of guys I met with monthly and I quit that. Since I'm married, I kind of had this mindset of, hey, I got a wife, I don't need them anymore, and so I would say that's a very dangerous path to be on, and so community is very important to set yourself up to be not falling in immorality. I think there's something in a group of guys that a wife won't be able to give and by also a group of women that a husband won't be able to give. And so, just remember, have community around you.
Speaker 1:Next one is how are you setting yourself up or how are you setting your devices up?
Speaker 1:Do you have an accountability software or a blocking device? Or do you say you're strong enough and you can withstand temptation? For myself, I have a blocking device because of my past and I don't want to make a blanket statement, but I would just caution you. If you have the mindset that you don't need anything, please get a brother that you can be accountable to, because it's not fun going down the path of getting into porn and so forth. And one analogy I want to throw out to you guys is I went through a program that helped me tremendously and in that program there was an analogy given of which direction are you pointing your sword? Of which direction are you pointing your sword? And what I mean by that is if you're setting yourself up around community and you have something in place to protect you, that is pointing the sword away from your family and towards Satan.
Speaker 1:But if you do have the mindset of I'm good, I don't need anything, I'm tough enough, us guys can get that mindset, then it's pointing the sword directly at our wife and our children. And so, if anything, guys, remember that, which way is your sword pointing to? And if you are loyal to your wife and do these things, I think trust gets built up and it means a lot to your wives. And if you don't, it might be the reason she might not trust you too far. She might be wondering what's on your phone, what you're doing. She might be wondering what's on your phone what you're doing. So, um, just a caution um to that, and I wasn't going to add the loyalty part to my sermon today, but I felt god nudging me and, and I think out of studying it, he showed me some subconscious things that I am doing and wasn't really aware. I think it's more subconscious, so I'm going to try to explain it.
Speaker 1:So every so often I would get flashbacks of what I used to be in, and I'm not proud of what I was into, but I was a few years before our marriage. I didn't care one bit of what I looked at, so I was deep into porn, I masturbated regularly and the fantasy world that I had cooked up in my head was very immoral and it's very shameful to talk about it. And I got free of it with the help of a group of guys, close community and a curriculum that I would definitely promote. And since I was married, occasionally I'd get flashbacks and I was like, okay, what's happening? I'm not going to that place, not going to that place, and what God showed me through the studying is I used to use. Now, when I get these flashbacks, it's subconscious, like my memory pulls it forward and it's trying to help me medicate when I'm going through those times, and so just something to be aware of. It was very challenging for me to realize that, but it was good for me to be aware that that's what was here.
Speaker 1:In closing, these next thoughts are definitely not my thoughts. They come from a book that Julie Slattery wrote a book that Julie Slattery wrote. She is one of the better marriage and sex authors that there is, but they've transformed my view of what marriage is and should maybe look like, and she just does a very good job of writing. She also has a podcast. So up until now, I talked about things that you can do to try to get better, and I'm definitely the type of person I would try to do it all by myself, and I miss it so often and most days I don't add it to my life. I try to do it by myself, and that is life I try to do about myself, and that is what would happen if I would submit these things and add Jesus to the picture.
Speaker 1:I say I'm a Christian, but I try to do this all by myself. I want to be in control. I definitely can be a control freak, and by opening up my hands is letting go. But fixing your spouses and yourself isn't the best means on its end. It doesn't work in the long run. But what would happen if I would give these things to God and I would let him take care and help me on my journey of being a better listener, of being a better server? Because on my own strength I'm nothing and we can also give the things that we struggle with our spouse to God instead of trying to fix them. He will be way further ahead than I will ever get that you will ever get in life. And it was just a good reminder that it's not about my position as a husband or a leader. It's all in Christ. As a husband or a leader, it's all in Christ and him working through me and you guys as vessels. How would it sound if I would daily give my fears, my hopes and my dreams to Jesus? I would be able to unload my burdens at the cross and be set free. But so often I want to carry the load and I want to try to do it.
Speaker 1:A few more thoughts that I want to share with you. Think of your marriage this way that God created romance, the covenant of marriage and sex as a promo video to awakening longings for intimacy that was meant to be fulfilled by him. That blew all the circuits in my brain. I'll read it again God created romance and the covenant of marriage and sex as a promo video to awaken longings for intimacy that was meant to be fulfilled in him and also to remember that our marriages are important, but not as important of what he's preparing for us. Marriage will end someday and marriage is not an end in itself. It's a vehicle which God refines us and teaches us love, refines us and teaches us love. He wants us to bring him glory and be a picture to the world through this. In closing, I want to read the scripture that I read at first again in the message version, which is a paraphrased version, and I'm starting at 25.
Speaker 1:Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church. A love marked by giving, not getting. Christ's love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk radiant with holiness, and that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They're really doing themselves a favor, since they're already one in marriage.
Speaker 1:No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That's how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body, and this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer do they become one flesh. This is a huge mystery and I don't pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church, and this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife loving himself and loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband. That's all I have. I just want to challenge each husband, each father in here and everybody In the end don't try to do it by yourself, but give it to God and he will get you way further ahead than when you try to fix your spouse and your kids and yourself. I want to bless you all. I'll turn the time over to Randy. Thank you, Mike. Thank you for bringing that sermon to us.